The seed of my athiesm

      Ive been wondering where exactly i can define my athiesm coming from. 

My dads not really religious and doesnt like churches or evangelicals, and has more of a loose spirituality going on, although he would never call himself an athiest. Not sure what to call him.

My mums christian, but doesnt ever go to church (not in my life anyway). 

     Thinking back, i dont remember ever really being exposed to much religion. Never really got exposed to much anti-religion either. I used to read alot about the old egyption and greek faiths, and ive gone thru some of genesis, read posts from people on both sides of religion. I suppose it might of been from reading thru history and science that made me rather wary of religion. Or perhaps it just kept me neautral. Who knows. Growing up i was pretty much agnostic.

     At around 13, i went thru a light stereotypical phase. Very critical of religion, and a bit of a angry athiest. Didnt help that i had a this guy in my math class that told me i was going to hell alot and was living in a metaphorical one, but ya know. I ended up realizing that each side is relatively at the same level of dumbass content, though im hardly going to change sides.

People are people, no more, no less.

     Im still sticking on this side of the fence though. 

Still wondering about the roots of my athiesm though...

Night time

     Id like to write down my saturday night and reflect on it a bit. Some may call be a tad crazy for putting my mind on exhibit for reflection and entertainment, but i find it quite interesting the effect and perception things have when reflected back at our selves, and the thoughts of others on something. Kind of a extended self image topic really, that, and i enjoy writing. Sometimes im not sure if im venting, looking for answers or attention, am insane, or some other option. Should be interesting if i ever find out, though i doubt it will be one sole motive, but ive been wrong before.

      So, lets see how good my memory is. 

      So, around 5PM i got i was texting friends, seeing if i could get something to do seeing as im not heading over to homecoming, but it seemed like a meager possibility. Later in the night it proved to be quite null and void, but il get to that later. When im going to have a more interesting bout of insomnia, i can see it coming based off my mood usually. And wanting more from life is something that makes me think alot. Il summarize my thoughts on insomnia later.

     Its getting later in the night: Its about then 8-12PM area. Im bored to all hell, and sleep is just silly at that point. Feeling crappy, but not to crappy. Couldnt really sit still, and not really that deep into a bad mood, just lonely and bored to a medium level. I walked down to the lake to watch the fireworks at the park go off with my mum, was a pleasent 30 miniutes. Once i got home, i messed around on the comp for a few hours and my mum went to bed.

      Now, im at this point, im wondering alot about how im going to improve my life. Give me something to do, finding somebody to love, finding more reasons to wake up, finding some good things in life. You can guess the emotional range, but at the 1-2AM slot aim very low on the emotions, that that point it was pretty damn bad. When life feels empty, theres not much fun to be had.

      Anyway, around 2 i start looking up shit aboud bi-polar disorder, something i figured ive qualified to for the last couple of years. Copypaste incoming!

Bipolar disorder is more common than many think affecting nearly 3 out of every 100 adults in the U.S according to the National Institutes of Mental Health. Its causes aren’t completely understood, but bipolar disorder often runs in families.

The first manic or depressive episode of bipolar disorder usually occurs in the teenage years or early adulthood.

Signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder involves periods of elevated mood, or mania. Usually—but not always —the disorder also involves periods of depression. In a typical case, a person with bipolar disorder cycles between these two extremes—experiencing recurrent episodes of both elevated and depressed mood, often with symptom-free stretches in between.

Source: NIMH

There are four types of mood episodes that can occur in bipolar disorder, each with a unique pattern of symptoms:

• Mania
• Hypomania
• Depression
• Mixed episode
  

Signs and symptoms of mania

In the manic phase of bipolar disorder, feelings of heightened energy, creativity, and euphoria are common. People experiencing a manic episode often talk a mile a minute, sleep very little, and are hyperactive. They may also feel like they’re all-powerful, invincible, or destined for greatness.

But while mania feels good at first, it has a tendency to spiral out of control. People often behave recklessly during a manic episode —gambling away savings, engaging in inappropriate sexual activity, or making foolish business investments, for example. They may also become angry, irritable, and aggressive, picking fights, lashing out when others don’t go along with their plans, and blaming anyone who criticizes their behavior.

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:

• Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
• Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
• Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
• Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
• Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
• Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
• Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
• Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
• Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Signs and symptoms of hypomania

Hypomania is a less severe form of mania. People in a hypomanic state feel euphoric, energetic, and productive, but their symptoms are milder than those of mania and much less disruptive. Unlike manics, people with hypomania never suffer from delusions and hallucinations. They are able to carry on with their day-to-day lives. To others, it may seem as if the hypomanic individual is merely in an unusually good mood. But unfortunately, hypomania often escalates to full-blown mania or is followed by a major depressive episode.

Signs and symptoms of bipolar depression

The depressive phase of bipolar disorder is very similar to that of major depression. However, there are some notable differences. When compared to major depression, bipolar depression is more likely to include symptoms of low energy. People with bipolar depression tend to move and speak slowly and sleep a lot. They are also more likely to have psychotic depression, a condition in which they’ve lost contact with reality.

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:

• Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
• Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Physical and mental sluggishness
• Appetite or weight changes
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Concentration and memory problems
• Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Signs and symptoms of a mixed episode

A mixed episode of bipolar disorder features symptoms of both mania and depression. Common signs of a mixed episode include agitation, irritability, insomnia, appetite changes, loss of contact with reality, and suicidal thoughts. This combination of high energy and low mood makes for a particularly high risk of suicide.

Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder in Children and Teens

Unlike many adults with bipolar disorder, whose episodes tend to be more clearly defined, children and young adolescents with the illness often experience very fast mood swings between depression and mania many times within a day. Children with mania are more likely to be irritable and prone to destructive tantrums than to be overly happy and elated. Mixed symptoms also are common in youths with bipolar disorder. Older adolescents who develop the illness may have more classic, adult-type episodes and symptoms.

Source: NIMH

Types of bipolar disorder

The course of bipolar disorder varies widely from person to person, with unpredictable differences in the pattern and frequency of the manic and depressive episodes. Some people are more prone to either mania or depression, while others alternate equally between the two types of episodes. Some have frequent mood disruptions, while others experience only a few over a lifetime. The duration and severity of each episode also differs.

Each of the four types of bipolar disorder have a unique pattern of symptoms:

• Bipolar I Disorder – Mania and depression 
  Bipolar I Disorder is the classic manic-depressive form of the illness, as well as the most severe type of bipolar disorder. It is characterized by at least one manic episode or mixed episode. Although a previous episode of major depression is not required for diagnosis, the vast majority of people with Bipolar I Disorder have experienced one. The typical course of Bipolar I Disorder involves recurring cycles between mania and depression.
• Bipolar II Disorder – Hypomania and depression 
  In Bipolar II disorder, the person doesn’t experience full-blown manic episodes. Instead, the illness involves episodes of hypomania and severe depression. In order to be diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder, you must have experienced at least one hypomanic episode and one major depressive episode in your lifetime. If you ever have a manic episode, your diagnosis would be changed to Bipolar I Disorder.
• Cyclothymia – Hypomania and mild depression 
  Cyclothymia, also known as cyclothymic disorder, is a milder form of bipolar disorder. Like bipolar disorder, cyclothymia consists of cyclical mood swings. However, the highs and lows are not severe enough to qualify as either mania or major depression. To be diagnosed with cyclothymia, you must experience numerous periods of hypomania and mild depression over at least a two-year time span. Because people with cyclothymia are at an increased risk of developing full-blown bipolar disorder, it is a condition that should be monitored and treated.
• Rapid Cycling – Frequent episodes of mania, hypomania, or depression 
  Rapid cycling is a subtype of bipolar disorder characterized by four or more episodes of mania, hypomania, or depression within one year. The shifts from low to high can occur over a matter of days or hours. Rapid cycling can occur within any type of bipolar disorder. It usually develops later in the course of bipolar disorder, but it is sometimes just a temporary condition.

      Well, im not one to advise self medication, but just off that text, it fits rather snugly. I went thru a series of reactions on this.

1st: Well.....aint this shitty.

2nd: After glancing at the parts about living with bipolar and relationships, i was feeling pretty shitty and wondering about future prospects rather negatively. Feeling really shitty.

3rd: Thinking about my dislike of psychological medications (and meds in general), and coming to the conclusion that il go on meds only after one or two suicide attempts. Thats roughly the only way i would consider it.

4th: Feeling grim

5th: Deciding to say fuck it. I have the will to supress anything too out there, and i am not going to be defined by some fucking page in the encyclopedia. I am alex the fucking amused, and nothing else. And im gonna live how i want, and naught but death shall stop me, though il give it one helluva time anyway.

As a side note, all of the thinking about life was going on at this same time. And alot of it. Relationships, future jobs, future knowlege, philosophy, my motivations, my friends, whether or not im being a fool or not, and where in my life i should work, and if i have the ability to.

      So, this is about 3AM, and my stomache is finally starting to settle down a bit, and i have a bit to eat. At this point im cruising around the net a bit, playing a few video games, and feel pretty good. Feeling a little triumphant really. Almost euphoric! Showered and got dressed, and at 5AM, i felt completely euphoric. Biked down to the gym and had a great workout, played basketball, and had a nice swim. Stepped outside, the sun was out (6:30) and i felt great.

      That, plus a few other revelations, made the night pretty damn interesting.

      

Also, in my sociology class, i noticed that pretty much everybody has a bit of a fucked up self image of them selves, more then i allready expected. So, i see only one logical conclusion: No matter what i think, im a sexy beast and am gonna keep on living (=

      I love my strange sense of pride and confidence. It keeps things interesting. Religion and history have given pride way too bad of a reputation.

Then again, the big picture has a tendency to look pretty damn shitty. Then again, not many people see it very well illuminated.

     

Your Results: The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa. Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking. How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message board

1.  Secular Humanism (100%) 2.  Unitarian Universalism (92%) 3.  Nontheist (88%) 4.  Liberal Quakers (71%) 5.  Theravada Buddhism (65%) 6.  Neo-Pagan (64%) 7.  Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (61%) 8.  Reform Judaism (47%) 9.  New Age (43%) 10.  Taoism (42%) 11.  Orthodox Quaker (30%) 12.  Sikhism (30%) 13.  Mahayana Buddhism (30%) 14.  Scientology (30%) 15.  New Thought (27%) 16.  Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (26%) 17.  Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (25%) 18.  Bahá'í Faith (23%) 19.  Seventh Day Adventist (23%) 20.  Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (20%) 21.  Islam (18%) 22.  Orthodox Judaism (18%) 23.  Eastern Orthodox (15%) 24.  Jainism (15%) 25.  Roman Catholic (15%) 26.  Hinduism (14%) 27.  Jehovah's Witness (5% If your interested in taking the test for shits n giggles or whatever other reason, heres a link http://www.beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html Plus: Some other stuff from the site that i havent taken a look at, but ya never know, http://www.beliefnet.com/index/index_95.html

Lets take a look at some more bodies shall we?

"When Julee Lacey, a married mother of two, tried to get her birth control pill prescription refilled at a CVS near her home in suburban Dallas, the pharmacist refused.
"She began to tell me that she personally does not believe in birth control, and that therefore she would not fill my prescription," said Lacey, who attends church regularly and is a former teacher of the year.
Lacey's situation could happen with increasing frequency, since many conservatives are seeking laws that would protect pharmacists' jobs if they refuse to fill any prescription they oppose on religious or moral grounds.
"Pharmacists should not be forced to do anything," said Karen Brauer, president of Pharmacists for Life International. "Pharmacists should be practicing pharmacy for the purpose and benefit of enhancing human health and human life."
Brauer and other conservative pharmacists do not believe birth control pills enhance human life — in fact, they see them as doing quite the opposite.
The Food and Drug Administration and American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology have defined pregnancy as beginning at the moment a fertilized egg is implanted in the uterine wall. But many conservatives believe pregnancy — and therefore life — begins at the moment of fertilization, up to a week before implantation. Since the pill, the so-called morning-after pill, and other hormonal contraceptives can take effect after fertilization, they see these medications as ending human life.
Currently, only two states — Arkansas and South Dakota — have laws protecting pharmacists from having to dispense medications they oppose, which supporters call "conscience clauses" and opponents call "refusal laws." Ten other states — Indiana, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Ohio, Rhode Island, Vermont, Washington and Wisconsin — are considering such legislation."~ABC News

The freedom for pharmacists, one of the most stringently goverment controled professions possible, to refuse to give patients the medications they request. Well, we seem to have an interesting battle of principles vs effects. I must say, it would be a much easier battle if i had some examples of doctors refusing to give out heart medications, but what can you do?

Lets start with the principle of it: A phramacist should have the right to refuse to give certain medications. Well... i cant even really do much with this really, the reprocussions of the idea are just immeasureable, the risks and betrayel of trust is barely fathomable.

We went over this is a bit in a story a couple of posts back as well. A phramacist, a trusted dispenser of drugs that maintain and improve life, refusing to give patients the products they want due to their own morals. Its a scary idea, even i have to admit that. And sure, i can agree with the freedom principle of it. But reality has its limits on principles. Do we allow someone to run into a move theatre and scream out "FIRE!!!! EVERYBODY GET OUT", causing a stampede of people threatening to severely injur or kill those in their way? No, no we dont. We dont appreciate false bomb threats or threats on others lifes do we? Even the most extreme advocates of freedom (excluding the anarchists) wont agree with allowing these people to go around doing this, so we can assume that there are limits on freedom if we want to be functioning society. There are laws that go past this yes, but that means little other then we shall have to look at each one individually (i always figured the Supreme Court had a purpose).

So, the morals of a pharmacist should let him refuse to give out certain prescriptions. Well, lets take a look at some of the debate:

" Fierce Debate
"These so-called conscience laws are unconscionable," said Terry O'Neill, vice president of membership for the National Organization for Women. "Any pharmacist who is not willing to care for a woman's total health should not be a pharmacist. Central to a woman's reproductive health is her ability to get birth control."
The controversy over the legality of hormonal birth control often only pops up during debates over abortion, even though the numbers of women who use birth control vastly outnumber those who have sought abortions. Often the same sides are represented; those opposed to abortion rights often oppose such birth control methods.
"I will not be supportive of covering medications that would lead to a fertilized egg not implanted in the uterus," Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., said during the March 2003 Senate debate over what opponents call partial-birth abortion. "I believe life begins at conception. I would not support drugs that would prevent a conceived embryo to be implanted."
Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill., a supporter of abortion rights, said he "was stunned when I came to Congress many years ago to find that the people most vehemently opposed to abortion were equally opposed to contraception. How can that make sense?
"If you don't offer to a woman — a wife, for example, in a family situation — an option to plan her pregnancies, then you are just inviting an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy, inviting the possibility of abortion," he said.
But to many conservatives, some forms of birth control and abortion are essentially the same thing: the ending of a human life."

There is alot of debate over if these medications should even be allowed, let alone the right for a pharmacist to refuse them. And to be fair, we should hear the pharmacists argument as well.

"The Referral Process
Attempting to straddle the fence on this issue, the leading pharmacists' association says conscience clauses are fine as long patients aren't entirely left out in the cold.
"The American Pharmacists Association supports the right of a pharmacist to excuse themselves from activity which they find objectionable," said Susan Winckler, the APA's vice president for policy and communications. "But the second part of that right to exercise a conscientious objection is that they establish a system or an alternative way for the patient to be able to access legally prescribed therapy."
The alternative could be a referral to another pharmacist or a separate pharmacy altogether.
But that isn't good enough — for either side.
"A person who is able to go to a pharmacy to obtain a medication is able to locate a pharmacy that can serve their needs," said Brauer, of Pharmacists for Life International. "They can call and determine if the pharmacy carries their medication. There is really no need for a referral. There are mail-order pharmacies, there's Federal Express. There's the ability to deliver things onto a person's doorstep."
NOW's O'Neill calls the referral process "completely unacceptable" and a humiliating experience for women. She suggests the pharmacist should be the one referred "to a different occupation."
When the APA's House of Delegates came to this policy position in 1998, it was "hotly debated," Winckler said. "The fact that either extreme doesn't agree with it may indeed show that in fact, it's the right approach."
Drug Stores Adopt Different Policies
The CVS pharmacist who refused to fill Lacey's prescription still has her job. Lacey had been taking her birth control pills for nine years — with pauses to have her two children — and filling her prescription at that CVS for a year.
As she was driving home from CVS after being denied, Lacey got angry. "It was not right to deny me my medication that was prescribed to my by my licensed doctor," she said. "I really couldn't believe that she had the right to withhold my medication from me."
Lacey contemplated taking her business to the local Eckerd Drugs store. But this week, CVS announced it had purchased roughly 1,200 Eckerd stores in Texas, Florida and several other Southern states. CVS says its policy is to dispense legally prescribed therapies to customers as quickly as possible, but it will not force pharmacists to do things that would violate their religious beliefs.
Eckerd, however, sided with the customer in a case involving a pharmacist at one of its Texas stores. In late January, Gene Herr — then a pharmacist at a Denton, Texas, Eckerd Drugs — declined to fill a prescription for a morning-after pill. It had been prescribed for a woman who had just been raped.
It was a "worst-case scenario," Herr told ABCNEWS. "I went in the back and prayed about it a little bit. I called my associate pastor, and asked him what he thought about it and basically he just confirmed what I was already thinking."
Herr went back to the counter and explained that if that if the rape victim had conceived, the morning-after pill "would take the child's life, and I can't fill it."
"Pharmacists aren't vending machines," said Herr. "We have morals, we are human beings as well, we have beliefs. I mean, everyone wants to live consistently with their own beliefs."
Herr paid a price for acting on those beliefs; Eckerd fired him within the week.
Herr has since found another job. Lacey has since found another pharmacy to fill her prescriptions. They are two Texas Christians with vastly different views of a pharmacists' obligation to his patient. "

Now, the first argument i would like to get rid of is the part about pharmacists being people too; they also have a responsibility to thousands of men and women across america and the world. Do we let our police take this excuse? Our surgeons? Our President? When one signs up for a heavy responsibility, the responsibility comes first. I fully agree that these pharmacists may best be referred to a new job, as it does not seem they are willing to let this responsibility come first.

When a person has a pescription from a professional doctor to obtain a medicine that will save/better their life, they have full right to obtain it, and a pharmacist is paid to help this process, not to judge who deserves it.

I hardly one to make generalizing attacks, but in all honesty, i cant see this law as anything but a cheap shot at the choice for birth control, planning pregnancies, and sexual freedoms among citizens. Its rather clear that im all for these freedoms, but even at a professional unbiased (as possible) level, these laws are nothing but a attempt to find a legal loophole to stop people from getting these medications and controlling their own bodies.

I have quite a few links to abstinance and sexual education programs and such at the bottom of this, but il write about those in a seperate post. Oh, and a side note, planned parenthood is alot more then the repuation they get. Their website and services actually harbor a brilliant amount of neutral evidence and helpful services, with a pro's and con's section for each one. Take a look if your curious.

Comment plz?


http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/abstinence-4215.htm
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/birth-control-pill-4228.htm
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/condom-10187.htm
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/emergency-contraception-morning-after-pill-4363.htm
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/female-condom-4223.htm
http://www.guttmacher.org/media/inthenews/2005/06/06/index.html
http://www.guttmacher.org/media/nr/2005/01/18/index.html
http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/story?id=131591

With a little help from my friends

If anybody who reads this has any articles, papers, sources, book titles, or anything at all related to anything that you can even just barely relate to bodily domain, feel free to forward them on to me.

I dont know when im gonna make another super serious post, but when i do, it will probaly be on drugs or prostitution or some bit like that.

Anyway, if anybodies curious how my life is going? Pretty good, though i got a few things on my mind. Mostly wondering about how im going to handle a few aspects of life. Things to be done, things to be done.

Lets see

G'day Mates!

Well, lets see. What should todays topic be. I could pick something and rant..... Well, the topic of my sociology project will work marvelously.

Can you guess what Alex the Amused might be so furiously passionate about he is eager to do a 10 page report and 50 miniute presentation on? Can you?

Il give you a hint: Look down.

Still no idea?

Your Body. Specifically, your right to owning it.

Seems rather silly doesnt it? Wouldnt one think that you had the first and last word on what happens to it? Wouldnt you think that you are the complete owner of it? Makes sense doesnt it? Unfortunately, you dont.

As a side note, i dont nessesairally approve of some of the things one may do to ones own body, but i sure as hell think that isnt up to me. And once you take a bit of a look at the issue, i think you may too.

So, heres one installment on my rant about Bodily Domain.

So, where to start... It seems that a epic journey needs an epic start, though perhaps a quiet start will only put forward a better contrast between the opening and ending. Well, im not writing a bloody epic here, so i suppose some literary goals will have to play second fiddle to my more direct thoughts.

Well, lets start with one of my main points; Its a rather controversial topic, and to be honest justification of it either way just wont happen. The opposition to it is a purely moral one, and while thats hardly a bad thing, one cant really prove it very well, though the socratic method is a somewhat valid way to do so. However, there are certain principles that over ride others, and i consider bodily domain to be one hell of a principle.

Have you guessed yet? No, well then il just type it out.

Abortion: I hardly enjoy this procedure existing, but it can be an important thing at times. This, along with all other birth control related issues are excellent examples of bodily domain being infringed upon, no matter if its viewed as such or not.

Now, the worst problem with having it illegal is two fold: A, Illegal abortions or "Backalley abortions" are insanely huge medical health risks done in horrid conditions, with varying methods, none safe. Even the normal method of abortion, if not followed up with harsh anti-biotics and follow ups is prone to lethal infections, hemmroging, and all other sorts of dangerous side effects. B, the negative connontation of this not only infringes on ones right to bodily domain, but is likely to cause a larger amount of psychological damage to those who undertake the procedure then the actual effects, and stigmatizing it makes those who are confronted with the option feel dirty and hopeless, trapped in a horrible situation with no clean way out.

Heres a little story clarifying some of the consequences of making abortion, and also other birth control methods illegal. (http://www.geocities.com/realitywithbite/illegalabortion.htm) ((While this story is from 4 decades ago and many things have changed, the same principles apply)

ESTELLE
I have had lots of babies and abortions because I could never get birth control. I had my first baby in 1957. I was twenty- one. Then I had a second baby in 1958 and a third baby in 1959. I wasn’t married. My third baby died just fifteen after her birth. They called it “crib death” but I never know anything more than that. In 1961 I had my first attempted abortion.

When I got pregnant for the fourth time in five years, I knew I didn’t want any more children. I had just lost a child, and I had two little babies. I just couldn’t handle any more children. Because I wasn’t married, I couldn’t get birth control. I had tried to get birth control after my first bay, but they wouldn’t let me have it, so I just kept having babies. Black women living in the Hill at that time couldn’t get birth control from the clinic unless they had the consent of their husbands, and there was no place on the forms for women who didn’t have husbands.

I called my sister and told her I was pregnant and wanted an abortion. My sister asked around and found out that there were lots of women in the Hill who did abortions. The black community I grew up was like that. It was a close community, and someone always knew someone, so it was pretty easy to get names.

I never really knew the woman’s full name. When I asked, she told me to call her Mary. She came to my house and brought all kinds of instruments and things with her. She really seem to know her business. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t do the abortion. She told me I was too far along. I figured she was right and that no one else was going to do it either, so I gave up and had the baby.

My next experience was just a year later. I had gotten married a few months after the baby was born, and my husband refused to sign for the birth control pills. This was like a bad dream. First I couldn’t get birth control because I wasn’t married, and then, the way things turned out, I couldn’t get birth control because I was! I got pregnant just a few months after I got married. I had had my fourth baby in May of 1961. I got married in August, and by November I was pregnant again.

This time I contacted Mary right away. I couldn’t contact her directly. I had to call someone else who would take my name and number and have her call me – just like the year before. Again she came to the house and examined me. Since I was very early, she could do the abortion. She told me to buy a catheter and penicillin pills. She told me what drugstore to go to and who to ask for. I don’t remember his name. He wasn’t a pharmacist. I called him and told him what I wanted. He told me to bring twenty-five dollars in cash and to ask for him. When I got home I looked in the bag, and there were twelve penicillin tablets and a catheter. The catheter was about twelve inches long. It was red and looked like it had a wire or something inside of it.

Mary came to my house the next day. I paid her fifty dollars. She spread newspaper on my bed and put those pads they put under you in hospitals on top of the newspaper. Then she had me lie down on the pads. She told me I could just feel a little pinch, and that was exactly what it felt like. She inserted the catheter in me and pulled out the wire. When she was finished, she told me to start taking the penicillin pills right away, even though it would be several hours before anything happened…

The next year, 1962, I was pregnant all over again. Again I tried to get an abortion. I didn’t go back to Mary because I didn’t have seventy-five dollars. I got the name of different, cheaper abortionist. She only charged fifteen dollars. I was told that she would give you a shot and some pills (probably Ergotrate) and you would miscarry. I called and went over that Thursday for my shot and pills. Well, nothing happened.

Then someone told me about an oblong purple pill (probably potassium permanganate). I remember that two or three pills cost five dollars. You didn’t swallow these pills, you inserted them, and they were supposed to cause an abortion. I inserted the pills and they did make me bleed. The flow was so heavy that blood ran down my legs, but it was kind of thick and funny looking. Anyway, in spite of all the bleeding, the pills didn’t cause an abortion. I was weak and nauseated and bled for about two days, but nothing else happened. I was still pregnant. By this time I was too scared to go and see a doctor to see if I was all right, and there really didn’t seem to be anything else to try, so I just gave up and had another baby. She was born in 1962.

After that I tried to get a hysterectomy or get my tubes tied so I wouldn’t be at risk every time my husband came after me, but they wouldn’t do it. They asked me why I wanted one. Why? Why couldn’t they understand? I was tired. My body was tired. It is hard on your body, being pregnant every year. My marriage was going bad. My husband wasn’t working. He had been laid off from the steel mill. We were on welfare. I was depressed, desperate, and frantic. I felt that I really couldn’t survive another pregnancy. How many reasons did I need? Well they didn’t think my reasons were good enough, and they refused to sterilize me, so I was stuck again.

I had to do something, so I forged my husband’s signature on a consent form and did get a diaphragm. If he found it, he would tear it or throw it away, and sometimes he would hit me.

In 1963 I got pregnant again, but it was a tubal pregnancy and they had to operate. They removed one tube and one ovary, but they still wouldn’t sterilize me. I begged them to just take out both tubes while they were there, but they wouldn’t do it. They would say things like, “What if all your babies burned up in a fire?” Isn’t that crazy? I wouldn’t have been willing to get pregnant if the whole country burned up in a fire! But I couldn’t make them understand that. If God put me on earth to have babies, I had done that. I had done more than my share…

In 1964, I got pregnant again, even though I had only one ovary. My husband was an ass and the marriage wasn’t good, but he was working at the mill again. We were off welfare, I could feed the kids. Things seemed better, so I had that baby. After that my marriage just fell apart. My husband was physically abusive, and he would throw away my birth control if he had ever found it. He refused to leave, and there was no place for me to go with all those kids.

One hot day in August 1965, when I was seven months pregnant, my husband came home after being out all night drinking. He came into the living room and said, “Is that baby mine?” I laughed. I figured it had to be a joke. Well, he grabbed me and threw me down on the floor. Then he sat on my chest, holding my arms down with his knees, and he beat me. It was bad. He had a big ring on his finger, and it cut my face and his hand when he hit me. My youngest boy, hit him with a chair. That stopped him, and he left the house.

That day I drifted in and out of consciousness at home. One of my children called my sister, who came and got me and took me to the hospital. I had a concussion, and my face was all swollen and cut. My doctor, who had delivered my last baby, came to see me, and he was really upset. He said, “Don’t you tell me you fell downstairs or walked into a door, because I know what happened to you, and if you lose this baby, I’m going to press charges against him if you don’t!”

My daughter was born two months prematurely three days after the beating. She only weighted one and a quarter pounds. My husband came to see me in the hospital and begged me not to press charges against him. My doctor told me that I really shouldn’t have any more babies and that I ought to get away from my husband.

In spite of what my doctor told me, the hospital sent me home with no birth control, and my husband was still in the house. Well, I knew I could not survive another pregnancy, so I forged my husband’s consent again, went to the clinic in the Hill, and told them I had to have birth control pills. They wanted to give me a diaphragm, but I had enough of that, I said, “ I don’t want no diaphragm. I want the pill.” Maybe the desperation I felt got conveyed to them, because somehow, for the first time in my life, I got the pill. It was wonderful. I went home and told my husband, “If you touch me or my pills, I’ll kill you!” I started taking birth control pills. I took them for the next five years and I never got pregnant. Since I grew up I had a pregnancy almost every year, so this was a real miracle.

My daddy left my mother when I was only two, and I always felt like I got cheated out of a father. But I tell you, I never had to run out of the house because my daddy was beating up on my mama. When I look back on it, I realized that my childhood was better than my children’s childhood.

My husband kept living there. He wouldn’t move, and the kids and I couldn’t. My mother had moved into the projects, so she just had three rooms. She couldn’t take us in. No one really wants a woman with six children, let me tell you! I called the Salvation Army. They could take me and my girls, but they couldn’t take my boys. I wasn’t about to leave my boys behind, so I just stayed.

I bought a gun and practiced in my basement until I learned how to use it. I wasn’t going to have any more beatings or any more babies, and I figured having a gun gave me a better chance of making sure that those things didn’t happen to me anymore.

In 1966, when my last baby was six months old, I got a job. It was the first real job I’d ever had. It was part time and minimum wage – no health insurance or anything like that – but it was wonderful. I felt I had a little more control over my life and that I could do for my children. Then I got a second job working nights at the museum, and a third job doing cleaning three mornings a week. I worked three jobs for eight years until I finally got a real full-time job, with health insurance and everything, at the museum. I still work there.

I ruled my kids with an iron hand, and they did what they were supposed to do. They came rights home from school. They did their homework. The bigger ones watched out for the little ones. I ignored my husband and tried to save some of my money. He was really crazy jealous after I got the jobs.

Anyway, one day my husband was upstairs yelling at the kids- he never hit them, just me- and he yelled down, saying he was going to kill me. I grabbed my purse and ran out the door. He came running after me. I decided I couldn’t keep running, so I turned around and told him that if he took another step I’d shoot him. The gun was in my purse. Well, he laughed and kept coming. I took aim and shot him. I hit his arm. He looked amazed. I was amazed too…That man never hit me again – never!

By 1970 I had become a diabetic. I had been taking the pill for five years and they told me I had to quit, so they gave me an IUD. I had it for less than a year when I got a severe infection from it. I was in the hospital, and they took the IUD out and told me I couldn’t use it anymore, so I was back to nothing. I got pregnant, but by then it was 1971, and I got a legal abortion through the clinic. A year later I had a second legal abortion through the clinic. When I came back that second time, they asked me if I thought abortion was a form of birth control. I told them I didn’t but that if they wouldn’t do the abortion because I was a “repeater” , I would find someone who would. They did the abortion.

After that second legal abortion, I never got pregnant anymore. I kept working and saving money. That third job was my ticket out of this lousy marriage. I figured that if I never talked to him and never gave him any money, he might get tired of me and take up with another women, maybe even leave.

Well, it happened. One day I came home from work and he was gone, along with almost everything in the house. He left us six towels and washcloths – one for each kid, but none for me. He divorced me on December 31,1973. In February of 1974, I took all the money I had been secretly saving and I made a down payment on this house. This is mine. I pay my bills. My kids are all grown, and they all turned out fine.

In 1958 my best girlfriend Millie, called and told me she was going to have an abortion. She had a year-old child and an infant. Her husband had started fighting with her and had other women. I tried to talk her out of it but she was determined. She died from gangrene. She was only twenty-three. I was devastated. About six years ago I met her son, who had been a year old when his mother died. He wanted to know everything I could tell him about his mother. He didn’t have any memory of her at all.

Those years were awful, and I never want my daughter to go through what I went through. You know, I never really knew until today that the stuff that happened to me happened to white women too. I thought it just happened to me and Millie and other women in the Hill because we were poor and black. But it was not. This isn’t a black thing, this is a woman thing. Why was it that way? Why did it have to happen? Why did we let it happen?

~END STORY~

There are times where when we decide to make a law, that the consequences far out weigh any ideological thoughts. We are dealing with people, not numbers, and forcing people into corners will only break them and those around them. The right to ones own body is paramount to the pursuit of happyness.

As a side note to any who are reading this, some people may consider this woman a whore. I suppose those who may need to re-examine what has happened. Being stuck in an abusive relationship is not simple. We all have a will to be loved, a longing for attention and acceptance in the world. And in a sick way, being called shit can make you long for a persons acceptance even more.

In this womans case, she also had her children to worry about, furthur making just getting away a even more impossible option, in addition to cultural stigmas and legal issues.

A great example of some rather sick beliefs as far as relationships and sexuality goes, is a video we watched in sociology about 2 teens that killed them selves.

We have a girl named lanni, about 17. Well, shes allready tried to kill her self, has parents who do nothing but yell at her and send her to shrinks and dance lessons, and has pretty much 0 friends. Well, basicly, a person that cant find any acceptance or love in the world can become very desperate.

In her longing for attention, she basicly rushed into relationships blindly to find love, and ended up sleeping with about every member of the soccer team at one point or another.

I would like to remind us all of her mental state and her situation in the world. A decent portion of my class just referred to her as a whore and laughed. I cant say i agree.

And as far as the word whore goes, i think sexuality might just fall under bodily domain, and as far as descriminating or illegalizing sexual preferances or acts goes, i think that might just seem a bit opressive, and a tad detrimental to the pursuit of happyness. Anyway, thats the end of that note.


Please comment, thoughts are appreciated intensely.

The classic opening post

Hello internet.

Im going to start using this instead of my myspace blog due to myspace's unreliability, so, for past referance, here are my old blogs
http://www.myspace.com/alexthehouse


Other then that? Not much today.

Stay amused