Night time

     Id like to write down my saturday night and reflect on it a bit. Some may call be a tad crazy for putting my mind on exhibit for reflection and entertainment, but i find it quite interesting the effect and perception things have when reflected back at our selves, and the thoughts of others on something. Kind of a extended self image topic really, that, and i enjoy writing. Sometimes im not sure if im venting, looking for answers or attention, am insane, or some other option. Should be interesting if i ever find out, though i doubt it will be one sole motive, but ive been wrong before.

      So, lets see how good my memory is. 

      So, around 5PM i got i was texting friends, seeing if i could get something to do seeing as im not heading over to homecoming, but it seemed like a meager possibility. Later in the night it proved to be quite null and void, but il get to that later. When im going to have a more interesting bout of insomnia, i can see it coming based off my mood usually. And wanting more from life is something that makes me think alot. Il summarize my thoughts on insomnia later.

     Its getting later in the night: Its about then 8-12PM area. Im bored to all hell, and sleep is just silly at that point. Feeling crappy, but not to crappy. Couldnt really sit still, and not really that deep into a bad mood, just lonely and bored to a medium level. I walked down to the lake to watch the fireworks at the park go off with my mum, was a pleasent 30 miniutes. Once i got home, i messed around on the comp for a few hours and my mum went to bed.

      Now, im at this point, im wondering alot about how im going to improve my life. Give me something to do, finding somebody to love, finding more reasons to wake up, finding some good things in life. You can guess the emotional range, but at the 1-2AM slot aim very low on the emotions, that that point it was pretty damn bad. When life feels empty, theres not much fun to be had.

      Anyway, around 2 i start looking up shit aboud bi-polar disorder, something i figured ive qualified to for the last couple of years. Copypaste incoming!

Bipolar disorder is more common than many think affecting nearly 3 out of every 100 adults in the U.S according to the National Institutes of Mental Health. Its causes aren’t completely understood, but bipolar disorder often runs in families.

The first manic or depressive episode of bipolar disorder usually occurs in the teenage years or early adulthood.

Signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder involves periods of elevated mood, or mania. Usually—but not always —the disorder also involves periods of depression. In a typical case, a person with bipolar disorder cycles between these two extremes—experiencing recurrent episodes of both elevated and depressed mood, often with symptom-free stretches in between.

Source: NIMH

There are four types of mood episodes that can occur in bipolar disorder, each with a unique pattern of symptoms:

• Mania
• Hypomania
• Depression
• Mixed episode
  

Signs and symptoms of mania

In the manic phase of bipolar disorder, feelings of heightened energy, creativity, and euphoria are common. People experiencing a manic episode often talk a mile a minute, sleep very little, and are hyperactive. They may also feel like they’re all-powerful, invincible, or destined for greatness.

But while mania feels good at first, it has a tendency to spiral out of control. People often behave recklessly during a manic episode —gambling away savings, engaging in inappropriate sexual activity, or making foolish business investments, for example. They may also become angry, irritable, and aggressive, picking fights, lashing out when others don’t go along with their plans, and blaming anyone who criticizes their behavior.

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:

• Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
• Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
• Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
• Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
• Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
• Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
• Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
• Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
• Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Signs and symptoms of hypomania

Hypomania is a less severe form of mania. People in a hypomanic state feel euphoric, energetic, and productive, but their symptoms are milder than those of mania and much less disruptive. Unlike manics, people with hypomania never suffer from delusions and hallucinations. They are able to carry on with their day-to-day lives. To others, it may seem as if the hypomanic individual is merely in an unusually good mood. But unfortunately, hypomania often escalates to full-blown mania or is followed by a major depressive episode.

Signs and symptoms of bipolar depression

The depressive phase of bipolar disorder is very similar to that of major depression. However, there are some notable differences. When compared to major depression, bipolar depression is more likely to include symptoms of low energy. People with bipolar depression tend to move and speak slowly and sleep a lot. They are also more likely to have psychotic depression, a condition in which they’ve lost contact with reality.

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:

• Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
• Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Physical and mental sluggishness
• Appetite or weight changes
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Concentration and memory problems
• Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Signs and symptoms of a mixed episode

A mixed episode of bipolar disorder features symptoms of both mania and depression. Common signs of a mixed episode include agitation, irritability, insomnia, appetite changes, loss of contact with reality, and suicidal thoughts. This combination of high energy and low mood makes for a particularly high risk of suicide.

Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder in Children and Teens

Unlike many adults with bipolar disorder, whose episodes tend to be more clearly defined, children and young adolescents with the illness often experience very fast mood swings between depression and mania many times within a day. Children with mania are more likely to be irritable and prone to destructive tantrums than to be overly happy and elated. Mixed symptoms also are common in youths with bipolar disorder. Older adolescents who develop the illness may have more classic, adult-type episodes and symptoms.

Source: NIMH

Types of bipolar disorder

The course of bipolar disorder varies widely from person to person, with unpredictable differences in the pattern and frequency of the manic and depressive episodes. Some people are more prone to either mania or depression, while others alternate equally between the two types of episodes. Some have frequent mood disruptions, while others experience only a few over a lifetime. The duration and severity of each episode also differs.

Each of the four types of bipolar disorder have a unique pattern of symptoms:

• Bipolar I Disorder – Mania and depression 
  Bipolar I Disorder is the classic manic-depressive form of the illness, as well as the most severe type of bipolar disorder. It is characterized by at least one manic episode or mixed episode. Although a previous episode of major depression is not required for diagnosis, the vast majority of people with Bipolar I Disorder have experienced one. The typical course of Bipolar I Disorder involves recurring cycles between mania and depression.
• Bipolar II Disorder – Hypomania and depression 
  In Bipolar II disorder, the person doesn’t experience full-blown manic episodes. Instead, the illness involves episodes of hypomania and severe depression. In order to be diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder, you must have experienced at least one hypomanic episode and one major depressive episode in your lifetime. If you ever have a manic episode, your diagnosis would be changed to Bipolar I Disorder.
• Cyclothymia – Hypomania and mild depression 
  Cyclothymia, also known as cyclothymic disorder, is a milder form of bipolar disorder. Like bipolar disorder, cyclothymia consists of cyclical mood swings. However, the highs and lows are not severe enough to qualify as either mania or major depression. To be diagnosed with cyclothymia, you must experience numerous periods of hypomania and mild depression over at least a two-year time span. Because people with cyclothymia are at an increased risk of developing full-blown bipolar disorder, it is a condition that should be monitored and treated.
• Rapid Cycling – Frequent episodes of mania, hypomania, or depression 
  Rapid cycling is a subtype of bipolar disorder characterized by four or more episodes of mania, hypomania, or depression within one year. The shifts from low to high can occur over a matter of days or hours. Rapid cycling can occur within any type of bipolar disorder. It usually develops later in the course of bipolar disorder, but it is sometimes just a temporary condition.

      Well, im not one to advise self medication, but just off that text, it fits rather snugly. I went thru a series of reactions on this.

1st: Well.....aint this shitty.

2nd: After glancing at the parts about living with bipolar and relationships, i was feeling pretty shitty and wondering about future prospects rather negatively. Feeling really shitty.

3rd: Thinking about my dislike of psychological medications (and meds in general), and coming to the conclusion that il go on meds only after one or two suicide attempts. Thats roughly the only way i would consider it.

4th: Feeling grim

5th: Deciding to say fuck it. I have the will to supress anything too out there, and i am not going to be defined by some fucking page in the encyclopedia. I am alex the fucking amused, and nothing else. And im gonna live how i want, and naught but death shall stop me, though il give it one helluva time anyway.

As a side note, all of the thinking about life was going on at this same time. And alot of it. Relationships, future jobs, future knowlege, philosophy, my motivations, my friends, whether or not im being a fool or not, and where in my life i should work, and if i have the ability to.

      So, this is about 3AM, and my stomache is finally starting to settle down a bit, and i have a bit to eat. At this point im cruising around the net a bit, playing a few video games, and feel pretty good. Feeling a little triumphant really. Almost euphoric! Showered and got dressed, and at 5AM, i felt completely euphoric. Biked down to the gym and had a great workout, played basketball, and had a nice swim. Stepped outside, the sun was out (6:30) and i felt great.

      That, plus a few other revelations, made the night pretty damn interesting.

      

Also, in my sociology class, i noticed that pretty much everybody has a bit of a fucked up self image of them selves, more then i allready expected. So, i see only one logical conclusion: No matter what i think, im a sexy beast and am gonna keep on living (=

      I love my strange sense of pride and confidence. It keeps things interesting. Religion and history have given pride way too bad of a reputation.

Then again, the big picture has a tendency to look pretty damn shitty. Then again, not many people see it very well illuminated.